When you have a loss, your world flips upside down. You have all these plans and then it’s gone in an instant. When you have a late loss, one where you’ve started making plans and buying things. Baby has a name and a bed. Clothes and maybe you’ve felt movement… that’s where it really fucks you up.
I’ve been through an early loss and a late loss, and I am by no means demeaning the grief and pain a mother feels with an early loss. I’m just saying, once you’ve felt your Baby move, and then delivered that baby alive knowing they are guaranteed to die, it really haunts every part of your being.
I never realized just how far that would go until today. Emma is 6 months and Ava has been gone for 18 months. Today, I finally finished the nursery. I finally made a permanent spot for our baby to be. A place for her clothes (they’ve been downstairs) and a place for her toys and books. I put decorations up and a picture of Emma and her daddy. There is always more to do, but she has a place.
Yes, I realize that some nurseries never get finished. I realize that many people forgo nurseries all together, and this may not seem monumental to many, but, it is. It is because I am constantly over thinking my every move and Emma’s every cough/sneeze/sniffle. I am always terrified that I will only get a short amount of time with Emma, and I vividly remember that pain with Ava, and I never got to see her grow this way.
Being a loss mom, I have a really hard time trusting even Eric with caring for Emma. I trust him with everything in my life, but I have really had to work at trusting that ANYONE is capable of keeping her alive, when some days I’m uncertain that I’m even qualified. Prior to losing Ava, I would have never thought twice about these things. I know Eric is a great Dad, uncle and cousin. He loves kids and although he doesn’t see it, he was meant to be a Daddy. But I have literally had to repeat to myself that he would NEVER allow anything to happen to Emma. That I don’t have to parent him also, because he is also her parent.
Now, I’m going to drink a glass of wine and relax while our little rainbow snoozes! This is the life I’ve imagined and having a finished nursery really is the cherry on the past 6 months 😍